A little bit ago on Facebook, I posted a very vague status saying “Guys, I’m quitting.” Several people responded and I appreciate the feedback more than you know. Its nice to see that people actually do care, because it often feels like nobody does. However, there is some stuff you do not know yet. For starters, I feel simply terrible that I posted the status. I hesitated to do so, and then almost deleted it moments after posting it. It has now been deleted, because I did receive a response that I was simply not okay with. It is never alright to tell someone that they are shit, and that they should die so the world would be a better place. Never tell someone to kill themselves. If I ever see anyone do that, rest assured, I will be yelling at that person because that is something I simply do not tolerate. Once you say something like that, you cannot take it back. Even if you say, “April fool’s.” it is not a funny joke. Don’t ever say it.
This was one of the responses I received, and I did tell them off for it. I told most people the truth, that I get discouraged sometimes and frankly wanted to see if anyone really cared. That may make me sound like an attention whore, but please know I do feel bad that I brought this on. I did not do it for attention, I did it because I do get to thinking that to most, I am nothing more than just a fan girl with a Facebook page. Sometimes I get the feeling that maybe that’s all I am -a fan with a page. I see it as so much more than that, and I know a few others do too, but I often feel like its never going to be the levels I think I’m capable of. “The life I think about is so much better than this.” That quote does come from One X by Three Days Grace, and it is exactly what I think. Such a life takes a lot of time and effort to get, and part of me feels like I can do this, but another part of me is ridden of self doubt. Despite what some have said, I do partly question if I’m wasting my time.
What adds to that is the only thing that seems to have any obvious and steady progress is the Facebook page, and nothing else. Ideally, it all would grow together, not separately. Instead, its just the page. What the majority of the responses said were, “I love this page.” And don’t get me wrong, that means a lot to me. I appreciate that a lot because frankly, I put a lot into that page. I’ve met a lot of wonderful people through that page and had some awesome conversations. I just sometimes stop and think of all I do currently, and all I want to do and get kind of bummed that the only thing that matters to anyone else is the page.
Now I know, what others think really doesn’t matter, but on some level, it does matter to me. Sorry if that’s not right of me, but it does effect me on some level. However, I am not giving up. I can’t give up. Ironically, on the heels of me deciding to quit, I posted a video on my YouTube channel about discouragement and not giving into it. Two different people quoted my own words back at me, and they had already been in my head. I’m too damn stubborn to ever really give up. I hope others are too. I just sort of stop and wonder if I’m wasting my time trying to do something that seems worth while, but really isn’t. That’s not really something anyone can tell me now is it? If I’m wasting my time or not, I don’t think anyone can tell me that. That is something only time can tell. Or so I currently think.
This was a stupid April Fool’s day prank, but it did have some valid meaning behind it. I have been considering quitting, and giving up. Just being the fun Facebook page admin everyone thinks I am just for fun, but something in me refuses to let me. I can’t tell you if its just my nature, the lyrics that inspire me, or the lovely words from others that keep me from allowing myself to give up, but its something. Thank you for your support, it means the world to me. I apologize as well for scaring anyone. Everything’s okay, I promise.
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