These are the unedited, ramblings of Ariel, Immortal Music's creator. Something's gotta give and this is her getting it all out in the open. Opinions are welcomed about solutions, but at the end of the day, something is going to change with Immortal Music.
There's been a lot going in my head lately. Some good, some...not so good. I am stuck somewhere between being over worked and not doing enough. I'm not sure how you can be having a mini breakdown over the stress of having no time for yourself or your passions, while having thoughts that are saying, "Oh you can do more.." and "You're not doing enough, do more." Somehow though, its possible.
We're only a little over a week into March, and already I have decided to revoke my 'schedule' for the month. I said just one week ago that I was going to get four to six blogs up a week, three reviews and two interviews a month. It was a challenge, but I did it. However, I also do work at a retail store, and that takes up a lot of my time. It may even begin taking up more of my time here shortly, and this is a very hard choice that may not actually even matter.
I am nearly twenty-two years old, cannot drive and still live at home with my parents. I live the life of most teenagers, and yet somehow -I find myself struggling in some ways to have a job, a dedication, and a side thing that I love. I'm not sure if this is normal or if I just don't have a grip, but this is me trying to get a grip. I managed to say the words "Giving up Immortal Music" out loud earlier, and I cannot say I didn't choke on those words. I did, but the person I said that to, got me thinking.
He got me talking about why Immortal Music means so much to me, and why I put so much pressure on myself. So I started telling him its because this has gotten so much bigger than I ever thought it would be, and now people notice it. There are some bands who vaguely know my name, and none of this would have happened except I made a little page called Music = Life as a way to find other people who had a love of music and have an outlet. His response is sticking with me, even though its hours later and I am now writing this in my pajamas.
He immediately answered with, "And you're ready to just give that up?" He went on to say that it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Honestly, I forget that sometimes. I give my all to everything I do, and that's honestly where I get stressed out sometimes. I've said it a million times before, and I will say it a million times more - my weakness is that I care too much. I care about Immortal Music too much, I care about Remedy X too much, and I care about my job too much as well. I'm at a point in my life where I am facing the realities of it all. The "Am I going to make it" question keeps popping to mind and it scares me sometimes. To quote All Time Low, "I'm so sick of watching as the minutes pass as I go no where. And this is my reaction to everything I fear."
Maybe this is 'panic mode' but my first thought was if I advance in my job, I might stand a chance of gaining some independence. And I keep being told "Oh, you'll find a balance and make it all work." That's probably true, but for now, I'm not sure how that's going to work, so I have to play around with some things and figure that out.
I am going to look into moving up in my job, even if its just asking for more details and seeing if its seriously something I am capable of. If I'm not, well, then all this was for nothing. Which is okay, at least I can say I tried, right? But my friend pointed something out to me, when I explained to him why I first started this in the first place. If its becoming a job, not a fun outlet anymore -is there a point? I had that thought not long ago, as I was finding myself stressed out a bit because I hadn't gotten a chance to post something. I feel like people count on me to post content -but do they really?
Does anyone really notice if I don't post something every day? Or every week? Or if they do notice -do they even care? Or is this pressure all in my head? My argument was, "But people pay attention and in order to stay relevant and keep getting new opportunities like interviews, I have to keep posting frequently." I felt a schedule was the best way to do that, and it would be -if I could allow all my time to go to Immortal Music. Once upon a time, I could, because I had all the free time in the world. Now? That's not the case. Yes, I am making time, but if I am scheduling my content -is it going to be as geniune as it would be if I just randomly started writing and got in the zone?
He had a point, and I was reminded of the few times people have encouraged me to show my fan side of things. I don't do that very often because I try to be "professional", but when I come out of my little imaginary world where Immortal Music is this big deal that's on its way to being a magazine or an App at least, I see the truth. I am not a professional -I am a fan of the music, who happens to really like writing about music. And people like reading it -which is wonderful! I think I've put a lot of pressure on myself to get better, to grow, to be a professional. Professionalism comes with time, and frankly, is it needed? What's wrong with talking openly and honestly without trying to make myself sound better? People seem to enjoy it.
So, I am going to try something. Fuck the schedule I told people about, and fuck this professionalism thing. Someone feel free to hold me to this too -I am going to post when I feel I can, and what I want. I will still take requests for things, and suggestions are always welcome but I do need to bring the fun back into it. I feel a burn out fast approaching and I don't want that. The fact that I was able to spit out the words "give up Immortal Music" earlier without bursting into tears kind of scares me. This might be just another music website to some, but to me, its important. With that, comes the importance of the content of good quality and my own sanity. He reminded me that you can do a ton of things without going crazy, and you don't have to be "all or nothing." I need to remind myself of that, because if I keep trying to go with all or nothing, something seriously is going to break. I don't want that thing to be me! Because if that happens, things will never be the same and everything will suffer because of it.
Something's gotta give. Hopefully people understand. Also, this means there may be more 'just for fun' things posted on the page because I geniunely do enjoy just posting for the hell of it. Photos, lyrics, whatever. I enjoy it and many of you do too. I'm not sure why I ever stopped really, but I did. There's still going to be content here on the website too, but who knows how often it'll be. At this point in time, a schedule is too ambitious. That's my problem -I get far too ahead of myself.
Now that I have rambled on, I am going to go now. Let's see how things play out, and I hope you guys understand.
Blogs of various topics go here, and all are written by Immortal Music's creator. You never know what you may find here, so have a look around.