Maybe its just because I'm a twenty one year old who's struggling to gain any sort of independence, or maybe its because I am what some call a 'dreamer', but I constantly am thinking about the future. Right now, I work in a popular alternative store that sells all sorts of things nobody really needs but we all kind of want from time to time. I also write on this very website, and manage a local band.
In the little made up world I live in, I'm practically a CEO of a mutli-platform company. I own a magazine that sells thousands upon thousands of copies every day across the globe. I sell clothing with inspirational lyrics and Immortal Music logos and such on them. I run an online radio show, a YouTube channel, all the social medias to go with it, all while managing a band. The band, in my dream world, is living up to the potential I can see they have. They're touring with big names like Gerard Way, The Used, even Avenged Sevenfold and Deftones. And I'm there helping it all go as smooth as possible, and I write whatever I can from the comfort of their fancy tour bus, and send it to someone I have working with me on all the Immortal Music.
Its a busy imaginary life, and I know there'll be times where I am in tears with all the stress. There'll be days where I want to quit -but I won't. I'm too damn stubborn to quit. In this real life even, I'm too stubborn to quit.
In the real world, I see myself as someone with three jobs. All three have serious aspects that I love. At the paying job, I love the people I work with and the fact that we're encouraged to truly be ourselves. There's no bullshit where you're being told something's okay, and then two days later, you're told another thing. Everyone's real with each other, And we're allowed to crank up the music if we like the song that came on and dance around the store like a crazy person. Its a fun job, and I honestly can say I do love it.
With Remedy, I love knowing that while we're all stuck in what feels like a rut, we're working toward a bigger goal. We're trying to get somewhere. I like trying to make three people's dreams become a reality. Its all of our dedication that is making them get somewhere in life. There's also something quite satisfying about trying to help your friends get ahead, even if its a frustratingly slow journey with a lot of potholes along the way.
Then there's Immortal Music, which is something I love more than I can even begin to explain. Immortal Music has brought so many wonderful people into my life, and has given me so many incredible experiences that I get to share with said wonderful people. I'm getting to bring people together through the power of music. Or at least, I like to think that's what I'm doing. I honestly cannot give up on this dedication even if I tried.
The thought has crossed my mind. I've thought about quitting, about giving it all up. But literally the very idea of giving up on something I've worked on so hard, on something that means so much to me...I can't do that. Every time the thought crosses my mind, tears automatically fill my eyes.
I haven't thought about giving up because things aren't working because they are. I mean, its been three years, and have I done a ton? Yes, actually. It doesn't seem like it, and it doesn't even look like it, but I have! And I've done this all on my own...there's no point in giving up now. There's no giving up now.
See, that's problem. I used to be one of those people that could never seem to finish anything. I'd lose interest, or just stop caring. I think the reason why I always did that in the past with projects I started, wasn't because I was some flaky child, but rather because they didn't mean that much to me. I finally found my passion. Its music, well, the behind the scenes of the music.
I don't actually know why I decided to write this. I was just on the phone with Patrick, the bassist for Remedy, who happens to be one of my best friends. I was stressing out a bit over my paying job, and a huge local event coming up soon that they are playing at. I work the day of the event, and am cutting it very close timing wise between when I get off, and when their set is. And it just is proving to be hectic as always to get me there. It just sort of sparked the latest internal battle I've been having with myself. Wanting some independence and having none. Knowing how to do it, but just seeing it on the horizon, but no where close.
All I want is a place to call my own. To mend the hearts of everyone that feels alone.
Is that really so much to ask?
Its not, but its seeming like it. As we were talking, he had a pretty good point. Since I see my day job, if you will, as my third job, and its actually mainly setting as the number one job and is stressing me out, is it really worth all the stress? I said yes, because at least its a job I am over all happy with. I still feel that, even after writing all this out. Its one of the few places I actually wanted to work at, and I finally got it. I'm not going to throw that away because there's potholes in this stupid road called adulthood. (Can we just say 'fuck adulthood', build a blanket fort and color while watching Disney movies? I'll get the Fruit By The Foot and Capri Sun, you get the coloring books.)
Its a balancing act. That's all life is. All of this is possible, its just trying to find the balance.
I don't know why I wrote all of this. Writing helps me think sometimes, and for some reason, I felt like sharing it with you guys. I think its because I want to help people and sometimes sharing your geniune internal battles, and letting people see how you work yourself out of them, might just help them with theirs. Or at least, that's how I like to think of things.
Its okay to live in your imaginary worlds, but you have to take the imaginary world and make it meet reality. Its kind of scary, and its extremely hard, but with time, some balance beems, a net, determination, and maybe some duct tape, you can make the imaginary world become the reality. Unless you want your imaginary world to be filled with unicorns and pixie dust, then that might be too special for the world to handle. If you manage to make it exist, please let me come visit because that sounds badass. Just make sure the unicorns aren't too stabby. Nobody likes stabby unicorns. I'm getting side tracked...whoops.
I think the whole point of this is to say this: Keep your eyes open, always be on the look out for opprotunities. To quote Memphis May Fire, "Chances to move mountains are few and far between, but only unseen by those who choose them to be." You have to choose to look for those chances, or else the whole world will simply pass you by. You don't want that. I also wanted to say a few more things, and yes, they will include lyrics as well.
The world I think about is so much better than this. I'm not going to include the second part of that lyric, which is, "I never thought I'd be stuck in this mess." Because that's a dead lie. I knew when I started Immortal Music, and then started helping Remedy that one day it'd all start to feel like too much. I knew damn good and well what I got myself into. There's no giving up now. So, I'm keeping my hopes up high and my head down low, while looking for different ways to work around things.
Everything's going to work out. How? I don't have a fucking clue, but I know it will. People forget sometimes that life has a funny way of actually working its way out. You just have to let it run its course, and sometimes you have to get creative with your time. You only live once, so go fucking nuts. Do all you can.
I heard someone, who I forget right now, once say, "If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough." That's always stuck with me, and I don't want to say I am scared, but I do admit that I do question things quite often. I question if I'll ever get to do all these things I want to do, including not having to depend on people for things. But that's part of life -the unknowns. Its always going to be a factor, but you'll never have an answer to your questions if you don't keep going. So just keep swimming.
Yes, I had to throw a Disney reference in there. Let it go. Gosh! Oh, I did it again. I'm gonna go before I ramble on some more. I love you guys, don't you ever forget that. And don't worry about me, I'm fine. Just got a lot going on, and I'm learning to stand on my own two feet. It takes time, and its stressful. But soon enough, it'll be all worth it. I'm not going anywhere, I'm still going to be here to post random ramblings such as this, news, interviews, and whatever else I feel like. This dedication has come too far to go back to just being a dream.
Don't let your dedications go back to just being dreams either. Even if its gets ungodly hard, just keep going.
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