The other day, I was at a friend's house. While I was there, he was busy doing things around his house, and I was working on the new profile and cover pictures for the Facebook page. Unsure what I thought of it at one point, I asked his opinion. He said it was really good, and we both went about our business without saying a word for a few minutes longer. Only sound that was there was the music coming from my laptop. All the sudden he speaks up and asks, "Have you ever thought about going to school?" I assumed he meant for graphic design. I said yes and no, because I have thought about it but I don't wish to do so.
He asked why that was the case, and I was honest. If I went to college, I'd have to give something up, and I don't want that. I also added that the first thing I'd probably give up would be managing his band. He said the band would understand if I quit, in order to better myself, and went on to say something that has stuck with me ever since. He has a tendency to do that to me, whether or not he means to or not.
What he said this time that has stuck was basically saying I can't stay here forever. I won't be able to go out on my own on the paycheck I currently get, and its funny to me how he always manages to get in my head without even meaning to. I kind of blew him off right them, and just shut it all down with something that is true.
On top of pointing out that I'd have to give up something in order to go to school, I mentioned that I like everything I do right now. I finally have a paying job that I enjoy, where I can fully be myself, and I like everyone I work with. Immortal Music is going wonderfully, and so is Remedy. Everything might be small scale for now, but let's face it -everything started small. Am I going to get anywhere with it? I have no fucking clue. I'd like to think so, and frankly, I know if I add something else to my plate, something will suffer. Which means so will the progress.
Its almost always in the back of my head that while I have all these goals and ideas for the future, the reality proves that something is not going to work right. That bothers me a lot. There's been several times I've found myself very stressed out and upset over the thought of never having independence. What's bothering me right now isn't even that, its the fact that it almost looks like it has to be one or the other. Happiness or indepenence. I know that can't be the only option, but that's what it kind of looks like. That's just the pessimistic side coming out, but seriously, I can't afford to ever get my own life fully on a part time paycheck. Which is where my friend's suggestion of college came up.
This conversation happened three days ago, but it has stayed in the front of my mind ever since. I keep finding myself thinking, "He's right, you know. You're going to be stuck here forever if you don't try to find some way to make more money so you can support yourself." Frankly, that scares me. There's options too, that could help me support Immortal Music or something, but still...in order to help it, I'd have to give up something. I'm too far into all my projects to quit.
Its been an internal battle for days now, and then a video showed up in my YouTube subscription box. It was uploaded by Connor Franta, and its called Life Doesn't Wait. He basically validated everything I keep thinking. Why do something you don't like just to get ahead when you know what you actually want to do? Life's short. Time flies faster and faster every year, and frankly, life's what you make it. Why not make it rock? Yes, I did just paraphrase a Hannah Montana lyric to prove a point -you're welcome. Happiness is an over all thing, but it does come and go.
I'm going to keep having mini crisies over independence, and I'm going to keep wanting to do it all. That's just part of who I am, but frankly, right now, I don't want to change a damn thing. I just want it all to keep growing, and like I said, it won't get any further if I add something else to the mix because it'll just suffer. I only just got the hang of having a job, plus trying to find time for Immortal Music, Remedy X, socializing, and household things. I can't change things now. Maybe I never will. I don't know, and I don't want to think about it too much.
I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing. Maybe I'll pretend right now, but I swear to God that I'm gonna change the world. Nothing really has been solved, because while I say I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing, that thought of maybe I'm not doing the right things, or enough is going to stay. Who knows what the future holds, I suppose.
You don't know what I have planned, and sure, most of it will never happen. If just some of it can happen, on even the smallest scale, I'll be happy. If there's something you want to do, just do it. Life doesn't wait after all. Watch Connor's video, he said it far better than I ever could. I honestly only decided to write this because that's how I get things out. I write.
Keep your hopes up high and your head down low, guys. I'm gonna go now before I ramble on more.
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